When we mistake the feeling of “loneliness” with the feeling of “aloneness”

LONELINESS is a topic present very often in my work with clients and I thought I’ll share some of my work experience and learnings with you.

I worked with the young and in worked with the mature. I worked with the Westerners and I worked with the ones from the East. I worked with the yellow, dark and fair skin. I worked with the poor and I worked with the rich. And nevertheless, I worked with people from a broad range of occupations and educational backgrounds.

All, without exception, have struggled in life with the feeling of being lonely.

My learning has been that money, possessions, titles, achievements meant nothing when the person sat with themselves looking into their inner mirror.

Let me present you with 2 short case studies to bring some light in that. 

He is 36, entrepreneur, handsome, successful, a sought after bachelor surrounded by girls and having a vibrant social life and yet, he feels lonely. He spends a lot of time on his own and struggles to understand what is missing in his life. He came to see me hoping to make sense of the emptiness he feels in his heart all the time. 

She is 44, musician, beautiful and highly applauded, with an exceptional award list and worldwide recognition. She enjoys singing for the crowds and is grateful for their warmth and recognition. She loves her husband and their children, but struggles with a strange feeling of loneliness inside her soul. 

In our work together, we got to the bottom of their issues and, interestingly, I found a couple of themes running through their minds and common to most of my clients. The first was a struggle with human connection originating in their early years of life, and the second was the tendency to associate loneliness with negative feelings such as guilt, shame and inadequacy. It is what we are all programmed to think.

So now, I’d like to ask you something: do you happen to feel lonely at times? If the answer is yes, I would like to invite you to explore this further and find out if you feel “lonely” or “alone”?

Very often we mistake the feeling of “loneliness” with the feeling of “aloneness”. Loneliness is about an absence, a sense of emptiness or incompleteness regardless if alone or in the presence of others, whilst aloneness involves inner presence, fullness, aliveness and joy whilst being on your own or in the presence of others.

In case you are feeling lonely, I can say that there are healthy levels of loneliness which are absolutely natural.

I learned a lot working with people across the multicultural communities. All people experience loneliness sometimes regardless how many others there are around and how connected they are with their families and friends.

Being lonely is neither good or bad, is just a state we experience from time to time. It’s our way of negotiating our sense of belonging and it is very much related to our belief system about ourselves and the world.

I would go further and say that, in my view, a certain level of loneliness is essential for personal maturation and it helps us develop clear boundaries of self and a stronger sense of identity.

There are however times when loneliness becomes a problem and it can debilitate our lives. In these cases loneliness is followed by depression, suicide ideation, high levels of stress, social isolation and work issues.

In these times loneliness is negative and becomes a stopper in what we try to achieve in life and a massive downer on our wellbeing.

If you are suffering from a concealed feeling of loneliness and you see that many parts of your life are affected, you must act NOW before it gets unmanageable.

Do not allow these feelings overtake your life as they could lead to damage that might be hard to overcome in the future. There is a way out of your struggles.

Start your journey of personal exploration and learn about yourself, understand the others and the world around you and find clarity and direction in life.

This will help you move through conflicts, nurture positive and fulfilling relationships, heal your inner wounds and create that life of abundance and fullness you dream of living.

I’ve seen some amazing transformations in people struggling with feelings of loneliness and inner emptiness. And yes, it can happen to you, too!

Today is a good day to start attending those parts you’ve neglected for a while. Embrace yourself in your wholeness and permit yourself to go back to the authentic you.

Ask yourself how would your life be if you would reconnect, heal and grow? How would that change your inner  experience?

I love to use my expansive psychotherapy approach to help clients regain their passion for life and a sense of wellbeing. To talk to me about your loneliness email me in strict confidence at office@nicoletaporojanu.com.

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