How to properly heal after breakup

I’ve seen many breakups in my work, social and private life. Very few have been easy.

Whether the partners were just lovers or married couples, young or more mature, from the East or the West, they all struggled to move past that chapter in their lives.

Some of them thought they were in happy and satisfying relationships and were shocked to discover infidelity. The hurt and the drama affected both partners’ lives.

Others were struggling for years to make their relationships work, but for a reason or another they were not ready to give up. The agony of an unhappy relationship was as worse as the sour taste of betrayal.

Whatever the case, these breakups remained a very stressful life event for these people and made the adjustment to their new life very difficult.

We’ve all been there! Breakups can bring chaos in our lives. One day we feel relived and hopeful and next day we will feel anxious, hurt and depressed.

Anger, sadness and loneliness are usually part of the breakup scene and if it gets suppressed and ignored it can lead to serious consequences on our wellbeing.

When they break up, partners lose sense of themselves and neglect their needs. Their self-esteem and self-confidence is also affected and the blaming game becomes the main avenue for communication.

Very often, the breakups affect not just the partners, but also their children, parents, siblings, work colleagues and friends. 

The others will naturally take sides and offer support and advice from their own perspective which can be either helpful or detrimental.

At stake, there are sometimes the partners’ egos, legal battles, properties and other goods, and the negotiations of the material load gets entangled with the emotional baggage.

The emotional side of the breakup is the most challenging and it can bring unnecessary suffering and pain if it is not dealt with properly.

Breakups can be managed smoothly when both partners want to. The process of recovery after breakups is much easier when partners take active steps to end the relationship properly.




I learned in my work that the following steps are aiding the recovery after breakups. You can use them too if you wish, any time during or after your breakup.

Keep the communication open. This helps the partners ask questions, get answers and clarifications and heal much quicker. When one turns the back and blocks the contact, it can bring unnecessary suffering, humiliation and rejection onto the other partner.

Permit yourself to grief. Let yourself feel vulnerable, angry, sad, depressed or furious and allow yourself to revisit the end of that relationship anytime you want in the future to go through a new layer of understanding and healing.

Allow yourself to let go of control. If you’ve been betrayed or you lived as a co-dependant in a toxic relationship, you might be tempted to want to know everything and search for the smallest detail of the affair. Remind yourself that whilst knowing the answers to some questions is healthy, finding out everything can be traumatising and will be hard to overcome and might haunt you for the rest of your life. I would suggest you let go of control and find only what is important to know, without exposing yourself to unnecessary details and suffering.

Give yourself care, love and self-compassion. Very often, during breakups partners lose sense of who they are and what is meaningful in their lives. The one looking to end the relationship, cheated or not, will experience feelings of guilt, anxiety and depression, whilst the one abandoned or betrayed will feel unworthy, unwanted and not good enough. Both will struggle to be caring and compassionate towards themselves. It is important that partners remember that, irrespective of their position in that relationship, they are human beings and they deserve to be well, healthy and happy, therefore taking care of their bodies, souls and minds will be an essential part in their recovery from the split up. 

Seek professional help. We all talk to friends and families during breakups, however they can only listen to us and give us their biased perspective, most times based on their relationship with the other partner. Talking to a specialist that has good understanding of the couple dynamic and knows none of the partners will bring clarity, dissipate the conflict and will speed up the recovery process. Talking to a professional is effective at any stage during or after the breakup and it is an essential part of the growth and development each partner needs to go through to be able to start a new healthy relationship in the future. Without this, partners risk to carry  with them old patterns of thinking and behaviour into the future relationships which perpetuates the cycle of negative engagements and affects the wellbeing of all those involved.

To explore your difficult breakup with me and bring back happiness and tranquility in your life check out my work here.

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