She came to see me after a family fight. We spend a long session looking into the dynamic of that system. Many common features to all families and a few specifics.
She deeply disowned her roots and wished she would have other parents. She believed that her misfortune in life came from her origins. It was like a curse that was following her despite her struggles to overcome it. I heard that so many times.
There was a sense of acknowledgement that she came to life accidentally, but no insight whatsoever into how she carried on living her life by default.
We had to explore how she grew and developed based on the education from family and school and how at adult age she continued to be molded by the world around her. We got stuck in there for a while as her strong need of control refused to accept even the slightest influence from the outside world into her current adult life.
I then asked her to write down her story. She read it out loud to me and, as it happens, she heard it herself for the first time ever. Everybody and everything was moving fast around her and she gradually recognized how small and insignificant she was in this vast mechanism of living world. That realization was heartbreaking for her.
From that moment on, we’ve started working on the reconnection with her self. We spent a lot of time in that process to bring the focus back to the significant her.
It is not easy to focus inwards after you placed all your attention outwards for over 36 years. But we made it. She slowly remembered she was important for herself and for a handful of people around her, yet she kept feeling little and unimportant in the great scheme of things. She felt deep inside her heart that the world will easily carry on without her if she would disappear.
This sad perspective on our human condition brings a sense of fear and conflict within us all. She felt it, too. It was hard for her to realise she run away from herself and her inner pain for so many years, it was difficult to accept that part of the pain was self-inflicted and that she coped with this by keeping herself busy and distracted in the outer world.
And then, she had the awakening moment. She understood that she functioned in that cycle of living from early years and she did not know otherwise. Her mind was already programmed.
YOU EXIST BEYOND YOUR MIND
I loved chatting with her. She was a deep thinker and made our work together exciting and interesting.
After we got to the stage where she understood how her mind was set, we moved on towards transformation. Most people think that from this point onward things are easy, but I always say that the hard work is in fact only starting.
When someone believes for decades that she exists because she thinks, that cannot be altered over night. We spoke about Descartes and his highly applauded perspective which continues to impact people even today over 500 years later. And we accepted that most of us live our lives in our mental films.
We then looked at our minds from the outside and we agreed that human mind is a fantastic instrument in our lives when used appropriately.
However, we found times when her mind, and mine likewise, became highly destructive if we allowed them to run our lives.
We both admitted that we identified with our minds and we experienced our lives through the lenses of our automatic thinking.
However, she struggled to look at her mind as being a tool and we needed time to explore how she could use her mind when she needed it and how to give it a break when not required.
This is the the most difficult part to grasp. I had to ask her when did her mind stop thinking last time and only then she understood that that never happened to her and will never happen on its own as it was set to run automatically.
It was a breakthrough moment. She loved when she positioned herself outside of her mind and she found it enlightening to learn to control her mind with the whole of her being.
We started using mindfulness and hypnotherapy and this is when the real transformation started ton happen.
About 2 weeks after we finished our work together she sent me a thank you email. I’ll share some parts of it with you to give you an idea about the power of transformation after doing the inner work.
“… For all my life I paid attention to the thinking in my brain and that was my addiction.
I stayed trapped into the same pattern of thinking because this is what I learned and I can now see that I was pretty much directed in life by my ego.
My ego kept me busy all the time focused on resolving my stupid conflicts from the past and pushing me harder to achieve more in the future.
I was trapped in that delusion and I never lived in the present where my life actually happened.
There were tears in my eyes when I realised I have not seen the sky, the trees or the flowers around me for so many years.
I felt overwhelmed by the noise of my constant thinking and the noise of the outside world and I would probably still be there if I would not have met you Nicoleta to challenge me to observe my thinking, to alert my consciousness and awaken.
Thank you for not giving up on me when I resisted myself so badly. It took me time to learn to stay still and to reconnect with my body and soul.
I had too much garbage in my mind and there was no room for genuine human connection and real relationships, just space for blaming and judgement.
It came at a cost, but I am grateful for this journey. I no longer believe my problems come from my parents and I have now regained control over my life.
There are no words to describe how I feel within me now and what a difference it has made to my wellbeing to reconnected with myself and heal the hurts from my past.
I grew so much as a person and artist in such a short space of time. Absolutely unbelievable…”.
This is a success story. Another life transformed through the power of therapy.